This time I am going to blog about the whole story, the fabric of me. It is rather tagled and dirty, very tattered and tear stained but it is beautiful in its own way, because it is the only me that I know. Oh, sure there are parts that I wish would not have happened but then who would I be? I like me, I may not like the situation I am currently in, but I am not stagnant, I am trying to change it. I never just wait, I am always moving, forward if I can.
The parts that began to mark the fabric began in 1996, well the parts I am willing to speak about anyhow. I discovered I was expecting our first child and believed I would be like any woman. I learned quick to NEVER do that. In about the third month I began bleeding. My dr. didn't think much about that, just said some women do this. At the 4th month I became very ill. I began to vomit, and thought I pee'd my pants. My old man took me to the ER. I spent the next week in the hospital with no memory of it. Well, I didn't know anythingwas wrong, I went to Arizona, on a plane, had a blast! Went for my AFP test, abnormal. Went to see a DR. that delt with abnormal reslts, Dr. Michael Cardwell. My whole family went. So I laid down on the bed, he put the US on my little belly, spun it around, looked at me and said " when do you want to have an abortion?" I was in shock. I said some pretty bad things to him, I mean c'mon he was NOT GOD! And how dare he think he was! And that is precisely what I told him plus more. He attempted to educate me that I had Oligohydraminous, and my baby would not survive, and there was a high probability that I may die as well. I had NONE of that! I left in a huff! I went to my Dr. there was nothing anyone could do, I was told, I had no fluid. Well hang me by my ankles from the rafters then, and I stopped working. 2 weeks later the pain was intense, the Dr told me to go home, pass it in the toilet and bring it back in, in a tupperware container. I swear I am in a bad dream. Nope I went to the Hospital, I spent 48 hours in the worst labor. In the morning the labor had stopped I felt like a million bucks, the Dr came in and did an US. My baby had died, he had strangled on the cord. They had to induce me. But I was in this weird place. I didn't want to push, because then it would be over.......but it already was. He was born and died May 23, 1996.
I wanted a baby so bad, so the Dr said go ahead, no problem. So I did. One month later I was heading for mommyville again. Things were going great. Then on my birthday the bleeding started again. Oh crap! Not again, please. Bed rest. And pleding with God. No it didn't work. My doughter was born on Dec. 19, 1996. She lived for 4 hours. When she died, I honestly flet a part of me die along with her. I swore off having children because I could NOT deal with anymore of this. I just spoiled everyone else's. ROTTEN!
One day back in 1999, I felt ucky. Sure enough, the dreaded news. Expecting. I wasn't sure why God would do this to me, but he must have thought I could handle it. So the next day we had a big family function and we told everyone, just incase it went either way. For support. And wouldn't you know it, my parents house burned to the ground right in front of my eyes! THAT was horrible!
But I need a Dr. A good one. So I chose one that was a high risk Dr. One that is honest. Yep Dr. Michael Cardwell, the one who ticked me off before! He put me on bedrest and Fragmin injections everyday. It seems I have a blood disorder that causes my body to reject the baby when their antibodies start to interact with my blood. My body sees them as invaders and attacks them. So imagine my thoughts when he explained that to me. I was enraged! But no amount of money or anything will change what has happened, you MUST move on. I can not have my Michael, or Madison back. So on 9-2-99 my Elijah was born. He had the cord wrapped tightly around his neck. There was a code blue called. He was actually a suction birth. I was only dialated to 6cm. Yea, it was extremely painful, but if he survived, it would be worth it. I resigned myself to the fact that he was dead. Then I thought I heard a cry, but I heard that after Madison was born too, for months. Then another, long ones. There was a glow worm handed to Mike. A real live baby, MINE! Holy crap what do I do now? LOL Man, and he has never stopped since! He is a real fire cracker!
So we planned only him. He is Bi-polar, and challenging at times, but wonderful. The day after Christmas 2002, I got the best present, expecting again. Dr. Cardwell told me he didn't recommend anymore because of the damage caused by Elijah's birth. So I went to see him right away. Amazingly my body healed itself, the dr. couldn't believe it. It was meant to be! So NO BEDREST but fragmin injections still =P. Oh well thats ok. Life was good. I got good and fat. 8-13-2003 Along came Ethanial "TuT". Easiest birth. Felt great! That is until about 2 days later.
Something just wasn't right. my heart wasn't beating right, I had that crushing chest pressure, Yeah, like a blood clot. So I went to the ER. They gave me maloxx, told me I ate something bad, and to rest. I spoke up, asked why I was glowing yellow, had a pulse of 21, and could hardly breathe. They said it was because I just had a baby. Huh. So I went home. Yes I did have that feeling of impending doom. That night, early morning, I woke up, it was about 3 in the morning. I had a headache, a weird one. I told Mike I was going to the ER, a different one. So I went, alone. On the way, I suddenly felt like someone shot me in the head. Bad pain on the left side. I drove so fast, hoping that a state trooper would pull me over, help me. I got to the ER and could no longer see. I arrived screaming in pain. Inconsolable, the Dr. was very upset with me. Loaded me full of drugs and told me "get out of my ER your causing a scene". Excuse me I am having a stroke I told him. I was removed from the ER. I had no idea where my truck was, I was higher than a kite. I drove, I called my Dr. told him I had no idea where I was, and that I was having a stroke. They verbally guided me to their office. He told me I was having a gallbladder attack, sent me back to the hospital. I have no further memory. Mike tells me I was there for two days, having multiple things done, and being very belligerant, hanging from the trapieze screaming obsenities at everyone. That is not me. He said I continued to yell I was having a stroke and no one is listening. So he said they did an epidural patch and said they were sending me home. He came home to get the kids around. Thats when he got the call that changed his life. He said the nurse told him "Mike your wife was right, she had a massive stroke, and you need to get here as soon as possible, we don't think she is going to survive." WOW! I lost all trust in Dr's. after that. I laid in the neuro ICU for I don't know how long. When I awoke I didn't even know what a human being was. No words, nothing. It was like being born again. I had a long road ahead, and it was rough, some days it still is. It seems that things are starting to catch up to me now, and that is why I am where I am at.
Why I am setting here today. But I do not know where this story will end, where it will go. I hope my fabric will have some brilliant colors added, I just need to find them. I feel like my tapestry is only just begun, at least I pray to God that it has. I sure could take less of the dull, tears, staining of my fabric, but that is not of our chosing. God choses.
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